Sunday, July 12, 2009

Testing my lung capacity

Well, lets see.... since Mom and Dad don't speak baby,   I screamed all day.....(seriously).  See ya tomorrow.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I write this blog

A photograph of the author.

Well, I am a little puzzled, just a little puzzled.  See I have been reading the comments on my blog and some people seem to be confused.  Apparently my readers aren't sure about who writes the blog.  Let me clear things up; its me.  It has always been me.  Not Mom, not Dad, but me.  Not to take anything away from Mom, she could do it if she had the time but she has to take care of me, and I am pretty high maintenance.  And Dad?!  Since this blog doesn't appear on I doubt my father has even read the blog let alone written it.  The only other options is Sebastian and if you have read any of my previous posts you would know he is only interested in three things; sticks, tennis balls, and handouts from Mom.  So if you have any questions, suggestions, or comments, I (Beckam) would love to hear them. Thanks again.
Until next time, Aloha

Friday, July 10, 2009

Poop ( This blog is not for the faint of heart)

I'm an evil genius!  Above is my diabolical "mad scientist laugh" face. (If I had a mustache, I would be spinning it in between my finger and thumb.)

I took it to another level.  I raised the bar.  We are now playing a high stakes game.  I no longer just pee on Mom and Dad, thats right, I now poop on them.  They are not safe.  24/7.  Public or private setting.  Diaper on or diaper off.  Its all fair game.  See, I have figured out how to hold my poop in for a full 24 hour period, then I unleash it all in one diaper busting movement.  The other day Mom was feeding me on the couch and I let her have it, she screamed in agony at the 
shear force and volume of it all, and with a smug grin, I smiled back.  Dad came rushing over to help, but his powers are useless against mine.  He went in with a wet wipe, and I retaliated with a five foot mustard shot.  He leaped back in shock and terror, and wheeled into the kitchen for reinforcements.  Alas, it was to late, the damage had been done; on the couch, on the hardwood floor, on the rug, on the coffee table, on the letter to be mailed out later that day, and yes, even a little bit on Dad's  precious i-phone.  Victory was mine, and to celebrate, I peed a little too.
The next day I repeated the event when Dad was feeding me, that one ended in a draw.  Mom and Dad had their defenses well prepared, and I only managed to force Dad into changing shorts.  I heard dad mention that "four o-clock was Beckams time of the day".  They both laughed at the mediocre punch line.   My time of the day indeed.
The following day in a very crowded public place with Mom quietly holding me in her chair, and Dad busily working on pointless paper work.  Neither of them aware of the terror that was lurking just minutes away.  Mom was the first to feel my awesome wrath.  
"Andrew" She whispers quietly.
"Yes". His reply
"Its four o-clock." With a hint of urgency in her voice, trying not to draw attention to the now desperate situation
" I know what time it is and I'm hurrying!" Actually, it was 2:30, and Dad did not know what time it was.
"No Andrew.  Its four o-clock."  The tone of her voice was pointed and obvious now.
"Babe! I said I" He slowly sat upright in his chair as he responded.  Dad then knew what time it really was.
They both quietly picked up there things and tried to shuffle out the door to avoid any on lookers.  The day was mine, and everyone in the room knew it.  I had won the battle, and was winning the war.  Dad took me outside and laid me on the clean side of my blanket while mom went through half a dozen wet wipes to trying to clean her clothes.  She exited the building with large wet spot on her shorts from the wet wipes, like she was the one who needed the diaper.  Meanwhile Dad futilely tried to clean up the mess, but again his powers were outmatched by mine.  Twenty minutes later they had finally cleaned up and had me in a new outfit.  Only after throwing away the blanket and my previous out fit.  
It was a glorious victory, and one that I am still basking in today.  They did get the final word in earlier today though as I sat on top of two thick towels from 2pm until I eventually succeeded at around 4:30pm.  They had plenty of diapers and wipes on hand and it appears that they have caught on to my tactics, rendering me almost completely powerless.  I will just have to change things up a bit, but I still have the element of surprise, and that is my greatest weapon. 
 Until next time, I continue with my diabolical laugh.....
I make quite the pea-in-a-pod don't I?
No matter what I do, Mom still loves me. ( And I still love her)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Nothin Doin

I fell asleep on Dad's arm, I know, looks comfy huh?

A picture a day.
Well yesterday was a pretty standard day for me.  Woke up.  Ate.  Pooped.  Slept.  I did those four things through out most the day in no particular order.  Mom must have read yesterdays blog, because she didn't eat one thing in front of me the whole day. Bravo Mom, bravo.  We did make a trip over to TGH. (The Girls House.  They are some of my Moms best friends, and some of my favorite aunts).  We got to check out their new place and hung out in the back yard for most of the evening were I met another four legged furry baby named Roxy.  Now neither Roxy nor Sebastian are very smart, all they did the whole night was chase sticks and tennis balls.  I haven't figured out what they are exactly, but they are definitely not intelligent creatures.  Until next time, good bye.


So yesterday the CPW and I went back up to Grandma and Opa's house for a sunday cookout.  I am starting to get more than a little frustrated that everyone eats what ever they want around me, knowing full well that my options are limited.  I can state for a fact that formula is no good.  Seriously, no good.  Next time you pour a nice cold bowl of cereal for yourself, try it with formula.  Not cold formula, but luke warm formula.  If you don't have any formula handy, just leave the milk jug on the window sill for about two or three hours.  Doesn't sound so good does it?  Look, I'm not trying to complain, I got a pretty good thing going here.  All I am asking for is a little courtesy,  while I suck on room temperature powdered milk try not to eat steak, hot dogs, or any kind of baked good around me. The smell alone is torture enough.  Its bad enough that I have to watch a furry four legged baby go where ever he pleases (not to mention everyone else) and watch Mom feed him a little bit of whatever she is eating.  So please, a little respect.  Until next time, peace.  
The furry four legged baby (Mom calls him Sebastian, Dad calls him "Stop it" or "Off", I don't know why.)
It was a pretty long weekend for me

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Fourth of Jewllie!

Opa and Grandma and Me
American made baby!
Mom made me post all of these pics.

Happy Independence Day!
Well I know its a day late and a dollar short, but happy fourth anyways.  Yesterday I was all over Utah,  first down in Provo and later up at Grandma's house.  Mom, Dad, Sebastian and I started off at a Barbeque in P-Town where my suspicions of being famous were again validated when I was showing off my new shirts.(Thanks Holly) Everyone kept taking pictures and telling Mom how handsome I was.  The best part of the bbq was when Dad got drenched, just classic.  Mom seemed to enjoy it too.  I also am getting very curious about eating real food.  I watched as everybody around me ate all kinds of food.  Both at the BBQ and at Grandma's house later where I met three more of my wonderful cousins Maggie, Ashley, and Paige along with their wonderful Mom Allison. (Who by the way loves hugs, next time you see her just squeeze away) We capped off the night by watching Dad and others light fireworks.  At first I thought they were called "near death experiences", but apparently thats just what Mom call's them.  Until next time, enjoy your freedom.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Game Diary

Team Pure Entertainment

Well Helllooo.
Yesterday was quite a day.  It was the first game of the season for Pure Entertainment, a co-ed soccer team made up of members of my family.  I was pretty excited all day with anticipation.  I was a little disappointed that I couldn't play, but I knew the team would be ok with out me. With out further ado; the game diary.

8:30 Kickoff. The starting line up consists of Heather and Kristen in defense, Kendall and Emily in the midfield, Geoff up front and Tyler in the goal.
8:33 The other team scores two goals pretty quickly and since they were scored by girls  PE (Pure Entertainment) is down by four.  Also no one is really keeping their shape, it now looks like a hodge-podge of positioning.
8:40 After Emily gets PE with in two half way through the first half my Dad enters the game for Geoff, surely this is where the game turns around...
8:42 This is embarrassing.  Dad clearly needs to work on his conditioning.  At first I thought it was a little bit of strategy from the old man, hanging out at the end of the field.  But then I noticed that he kept rubbing his eyes and squinting, also, he had is mouth wide open like he was trying to drink the air.  After two minutes on the field he heads to the bench and bends over the trash can trying to find the other half of the hot dog that Mom through away. Geoff returns for him, just in time too.  Geoff and Kendall score three goals between the two of them to tie things up.
8:48 Kristen makes a brilliant defensive play and catches the ball off of the boards, the only thing is that Kristen is not the goalie.  The other team gets a free kick and Tyler makes a pretty good save to keep it tied going into the half.
8:55 Half time and not one person on PE is talking to each other, they are all just staring at the clock watching the 0:35 second half time count down.  I think I see tears coming from her eyes at the sight of the game clock.
8:56 Team PE pick up right were they left off....and go down by four goals in the first three minutes of the second half.  Its an interesting tactic, "let the other team score. That way we get the ball back at midfield every time", lets see if it pays off.
9:05 Dad and Tyler switch positions and Dad is now the goalie, not really a good move considering 20 minutes earlier he was hunched over what he thought was trash can, when it was actually the time keeper.  See, his vision went in the first five minutes of the game along with his lungs and the ability to distinguish trash cans from anything else.
9:10 The second half strategy I spoke of earlier is in fact, not paying off.  The score is now 12-5.  The scoreboard must be broken though, because no matter how many times the ball goes by Dad, the score remains 12 - 5.  What's the mercy rule again?
9:20 Game. 12-5 is the final score.  Dad must be delusional now because he is just diving at noises even though game has long been over.  Two minutes later he realizes the game ended four minutes ago, and I began to tell everyone that I have a single mother and that my father was kidnapped by the Girl Scouts.

Well that was my first game diary.  Hopefully next weeks game is more of an even battle (I plan on spitting up on Dad minutes before the game so he won't be able to play) and that Team PE has more subs.  Time to hand out grades.

A++: Kristen, Heather, and Emily.  All of the girls played the entire game with only a 0:35 second break at half time.  Kristen gets the MVP because she held her own even though she had never played before.
B:  Geoff and Kendall who really put together most of the offensive surges for the game.
B-: Tyler.  He had a great game and only gets the minus for allowing Dad to take his place in goal.
D: Dad.  The only reason he didn't get an F is because I was really surprised he didn't go home on a stretcher after the first half, to his credit, he never quit
Well until next.  Have a pleasant evening

              This was me moments before we left for Dads game, I was very excited.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Tuesday the 30'th of June

The "I feel something warm and squishy in my pants" face. 

Welcome to the party.
Well yesterday was a very uneventful day. Nothing to say except that I am sad that Jordan left, I really felt like her and I really bonded over the last few days.  She highlighted Mom's hair and now Mom looks amazing.  I would show you a picture but apparently Mom has the final say on what pictures i can post of her.  I tried to tell her that it was MY blog, therefore I should have final cut, but "noooo".  Just take my word for it, she looks great.  Sorry it took me a while for this post, but until next time, make yourself at home.